I woke up because I was nodding to the dream question of "would you like a sombrero?"
So you used a whole package of smoked meat last night. Didn't eat it, just took it out and put it all over the fridge.
It was like good, clean fun, but with bodyshots.
No more scars from drunken holidays, people are starting to notice.
We fucked in your water heater closet. Told you we'd try everywhere.
Doing lines of coke with a $100 dollar bill off a 6in x 9in photo of your childhood self really tells you where you where you've gotten in life.
Pretty sure the girl next to me in Chipotle just came out to her mom.
Picking up hoes with my dad is going to make it a little harder, but ay, if thats how he wants to bond after 23 years, Ill give it a shot
It's not really that big. Girls just think it feels big. It's a cocktical illusion.
I can't bring an entire liter in the bar in my purse. I mean I can. I might. I'm probably gonna.
Just watched my entire extended family eat salad out of the bowl i threw up in last night.
MY LIFE IS A TRAINWRECK THATS ON FIRE BUT SOMEHOW STILL MOVING, I HAVE THE RIGHT TO SCREAM OUTSIDE AT 2AM
You told everyone to shut up then told the officer that you are 21 when you drink.
Juice tastes so weird without alcohol
Next time I think it’s a good idea to hook up with any of your wife’s family members or friends just kick me in my dick
Randomize
