Just set all my clocks a minute apart. Now my 4:20 is longer by sixfold
I just spent a chunk of my Christmas money on Plan B. I don't think that's what my relatives had mind when they said "spend it wisely", but hey, it was a good investment considering the bad life choices i made last night.
Immaculate conception is definitely the most boring way to conceive a child.
Whoa, Gary Coleman died
Whatchu talkin bout?!?!
Too soon.
You coming bye my yot got egg sweet carilne vodklaa
we're almost there. Shes pounding on the car window telling the nurse whos on a smoke break to fuck off.
Remember when you picked me up from my walk of shame with a bike, I came out wearing a Ninja Turtle costume and you let me ride the pegs to thoroughly display the embarassment
He was taking the condom off and he turns to me and says, "You know how snakes can shed their skin?"
He slow fucked me. Doggy style. On a porch. You never slow fuck doggy style. Its a law. A LAW.
I just did the math. It is, in fact, cheaper to go out drinking every weekend than it would be for me to pay for a legitimate therapist. What are you doing next Friday night?
Thats the last time im "arresting" you to get out of paying your bar tab.
What?! The only reason I married your sister is to have a Cop in the family!
He just said his penis sings like Mariah Carey...Im going with drunken.
Send help, water and tortillas.
Uh I almost got the bride to go down on me. I'm the smoothest maid of honor ever.
I got arrested FOR running from the cops. In college Dad got arrested and THEN ran from the cops. So it could be worse.
Randomize
