At least with the last gf I made it clear that I wanted to breakup when I pissed on her floor @ 3am as her roommate watched in contempt
you need to know that there is a kid here wearing an i mosh for Jesus shirt
dude. FULL moustache. it was like getting head from Tom Selleck
This girl just stopped in the middle of a sentence because of my blue eyes. She said she got lost in them. I am laying pipe tonight.
thats what you get for writing a paper after liquor pitchers
its only a rough draft.
Just heard the girl at the bar cuss her bf out and order a long island ice tea. Going to give it 5 min then I'm going in. See you on the other side.
Today, my boyfriend informed me that I look like my dad when I orgasm
My new dealer was watching Space Jam and eating ham off a frisbee when I went over. He's my new favorite person
Did I run into a tree or get punched in the face?
Both.
But we only had three ninja turtles. So everyone that would ask us where Donatello was, we would say "what? He's gone? Shredder is at it again!"
Is it festive if I masturbate to Santa porn?
lets start a news segment called WHY IS LEOS CROTCH BURNING TODAY
Now: to brush my teeth, put on my grandma slippers and earplugs, masturbate to 50 Shades and then PTFO
I smell like cowboy sweat. I got two lap dances. This is the best day of my life!
I’m literally naked drinking a beer and I gotta leave in 6 minutes for work lol
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