Did you just throw up mid-sentence?
haha i think we're both just down to be fuck buddies..but i do have a hickey and a bit of a big lip and fucking burns on my knees..note to self hooking up on a golf course is NOT that exciting
the way she shouted out instructions during sex made me feel like I was having sex with my gym teacher
hey i know this is weird but does alcohol affect pregnancy tests?
I'm pretty sure he told me he was sterile and I told him I was on the pill. The positive pregnancy test I'm holding in my hand right now tells me that at least one of us was lying.
Im dating a 38 year old who's lap I can fit in. Tell me I don't have daddy issues.
Thanks for the morning blowjob. Scientifically proven you can't have a bad day if it starts with a blowjob.
I'm really sorry that I blew your friend in your bed, but to be fair he started it.
I got back from work this morning after working the night shift to find an NFL player scaling the side of our apartment...from your window. He just took sneaking out to all new level. Care to explain?
I think that about sums it up, actually.
i was sitting in the back of a squad car completely stoned watching airplanes take off
Did you put candle wax on my balls last night?
I was walking back to the dorm and was made fun of for wearing a coat. I'M SORRY I CARE ABOUT MY WELL BEING.
Congratulations! You can now legally do that thing you said you never do again!
THANKS! I'M SO EXCITED TO NOT DO THE THING
OMG YOU GO OUT AND NOT DO THAT THING, GIRL! I SUPPORT YOU 100%!!!
What could go wrong? i could have a mental breakdown with a bottle of champagne hand cuffed to a frat bro
did you know that sneaking into a golf course at midnight is a felony? the cop made sure to tell us after she peed on the course and hit on him
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