in jail i did the beyonce ass shake for the police officers & called Sally from my collect phone in my cell & started singing "im in JAAAIL IM IN JAAAIL",
I don't know whether I should be pissed that there's glitter in my bed or proud that there's semen in there too.
Oh, I'm just lighting tennis balls and WD-40 on fire, what are YOUUU doing?!
I keep calling his kid the wring name. This is not helping my cause. And by cause mean his dick
I will come over now to take full advantage of you in your vulnerable state.
Fine. I should warn you I just threw up in danas fish tank. Fish are dead. Livers dead. I smell and look like a dead animal. And not showering. So deal with it.
I'm currently day drinking, studying and making corn. Don't tell me what I can't do.
Why yes actually, getting stoned and reading an AARP magazine IS totally where I wanted my night to end!
Haha I'm surprised I didn't see you I was drunkenly buying $70 in merchandise including a vibrating cock ring at that cvs around that time
Nothing says I've got my life together like vomiting on the groom and passing out at your youngests sisters wedding
I'd return your shirt, but it got all wet from lying on the bathroom floor while I was in the shower with Justin's roommate...
Keep it.
The neighbors outside are screaming at one another about God knows what and everyone is too scared to go outside and we NEEd more beer
I just had sex with the megalodon show on in the background and it was just as magical as it sounds
he went down on me to a drake song and now i think i need a penicillin shot
Watching the awkward tinder date at the table next to mine is the most action I've had in months, so there's that.
Beard. Chest hair. Job.
The holy trinity.
Randomize
