The dr is doing well, he randomly asked if I was bi
her vagina looked like bernie madoff
I think my plan to not drink this week was just ruined by my mothers discovery of the chat function on facebook
My mom is such a hoarder. I found a deer candelabrum last night, it had antlers has candle holders. It was like a redneck menorah.
he was wearing a tuxedo, i was naked...it's a long story.
you looked up at me mid puke with tears in your eyes and asked to make sure no one took your turn at Wii
I don't really know I'm just giving her a key to get back in and the "don't get pregnant speech" and leaving it at that.
Why did you leave me a note saying 'find the canary'
Call me next time you want to get irresponsibly drunk when we have grown up things to do the next day.
She has either a C-Section scar or a bullet wound, I can't quite tell
Do you think it's safe to mix miralax with a tequila sunrise?
He found a way to charmingly ask me for a threesome and when I said no he made it sound like he was even happier. He's a fucking wizard
I just wrote my resume on the same park bench I got felt up at in freshman year of highschool... I've truly come full circle
He just showed up in boxer briefs and loafers with only his phone and condoms
Sometimes, being an adult means buying a bottle of whiskey after work and live tweeting the commercial breaks on food network.
Randomize