I just found 51 cents in my bed. Did you leave me a tip?
I managed to convince him it was his fault I cheated on him...he spent the last 40 minutes going down on me. I feel legendary.
He won't ever take me seriously if I keep getting drunk and hooking up with all his friends.
I think I'm coming down now. I almost started crying because I lost a piece of paper.
You tried to put a condom on my dog, then he ate it.
I shame-fucked to Hotel California, don't tell me about priorities.
Come to office depot with me I need help picking out a daily planner that will help me keep all of my casual sex dates organized.
Haha it's harder than you'd think to come up with ways to turn your penis into a Christmas drawing
I'm getting high with a 50 year old car wash guy. Enough said.
The hair on my legs is officially flapping in the breeze when I walk. I must say, being single does have perks and this is one of them.
Had a slight melanoma scare this morning. Spoiler alert, it was Nutella.
You don't know being judged until its 7:30 in the morning and you're on 2 hours of sleep halfway between drunk and hungover wearing pajama pants at an international airport while saying how proud you are that you found the airport's bar immediately and how disappointed you are that it's closed
Do you want to go soon I'm overthinking life and my butthole again
She's not answering my calls
Well it sounds like you really fucked up
WHO HOLDS A GRUDGE OVER MEMES
I want you to worship my cock.
That's not how you start a conversation.
Randomize
