Just promise me you won't ring in the new decade by clutching onto a toilet
today was the first day of rush. talking to girls all day makes me sick of having a uterus.
I made weed fried chicken. What have you done today?
Yeah he doesn't get it. We had to change the subject to Keanu reeves before someone got hurt.
Ummm. I just wanna say this now: Don't let me invite the band back to the apartment to see my stripper pole.
Ok so now that we've actually had sex do I get the last name or are u really witness protection status?
You act like pregaming preseason hockey is a crime. Come on man, get fucked up and watch pucks. It rhymes so well it has to go together. DOS EQUIS Y DEVILS!
Let's not refer to him as Dustin. That makes him seek like a real person, not just a dick I would like to experience.
I could only remember yelling "rip it down" as he ninja jumped off the bed, kicked the wall, and superman punched the fire alarm off the ceiling.
I've always wondered why you never put the hotel room in your name...
She complimented my boobs and then told me I smelled like teddy bears before falling asleep on the floor.
Apparently I was drunk enough to call he police station and ask if there was a problem with me.
Well at least I will forever be known as the girl he ate out on the lifeguard stand while people walked by. On the first date.
Not this time. I'm drinking in my sweatpants which means I've given up for the day and shouldn't be in public.
Dude there's ten thousand dollars worth of damage to the kids house and three thousand in stolen property and his dog is missing he is pissed
If I give him back his dog do you think he'll invite me to the next party
She blew me while I watched the jets game and the hardest thing was deciding what to focus on more
Randomize
