I can only masturbate in one position. It's very inconvenient.
i'm out of smokes so i just had an after sex popsicle. this might become an addiction.
Should I shave my pubes in the shape of a top hat so I can nickname my junk Abe Lincoln?
eating mexican with the mother in law. this meal made her decide to tell us about her colon cleansing diet
Is it too much to ask that he stop calling me 'titty fuck' in public?
Sorry for scaring your son with my drunken animal impressions
And I would just like to take the time to say my boobs look great today.
remember how i yelled at you for inviting that coke dealer to the party?! i found the $100 bill they were snorting with in the couch.
..new slutty dresses or booze? i won't even waste time with the i told you so.
The worst part about getting "creative" and by that i mean baked is that i just wanna get laid right now and all im doing is eating nachos
Must say, as a couple, she and I are thrilled that our pretend lesbianism has paid off.
I'm good. We walked you back to my apartment and you demanded to eat the sandwich I made for him
Pregnancy test = positive. Hope you still have our old guess who game 'cause daddy elimination begins now.
someday i'll meet a man and who loves me as much as i love getting drunk and starting fires
I accidentally sent my mom a nude picture of my ass... she replied with how did you get that angle ?
I drank Dr. Pepper and instant breakfast mix together and threw up sober for the first time.
Randomize
