im on my way to getting "i just graduated college with no money, no job, and no plan" drunk
im calling her cock vulture from now on
Just had a memory of you pretending to be a begging dog putting your head on my lap while I fed you. Great night to try a new drug.
Yeah but I was the kid who ran over your BMW and is banging your 15 year old daughter... There isn't a cool enough dad in the world to make that work.
All i've had today is coffee and ketchup packets. I need a job like yesterday.
No, your dick is problems. Anyone you fuck haunts us for the rest of the semester. If you need to get laid, I'll personally drive you out of state.
For future reference.... When you take a beer out of a 6pack... You don't insert your phone as a substitute.
Tell her this is the Disneyland of penises.It's a magical place everyone should visit once in their life.
I tried to prevent a bar fight. By convincing a guy whacked out on Molly to slap the ass of everyone who was arguing and shout "WOO" each time. I'm proud, surprised, and intrigued that it calmed everyone down so quickly...
His friend still there? Be like "I need to see both of your dicks ASAP"
I have loved her ever since she went down on my first wife
I'm not gonna ask the guy I've fucked like 3 times if he is insecure about his eyebrows.
Fuck you and fuck your stupid hat
I can't decide if I miss drinking or you, they are so closely connected.
I woke up under a house in Key West
Randomize
