Is it necrophilia if we're both dead?
i fell asleep last night with fifteen animal crackers in my mouth. rock bottom dude.
Should I hook up with a slut its your call
Yes. Wrap it. If you dont have a condom do it anyway. YOU ONLY LIVE ONCE.
I need to hang out with girls who make more mistakes
I had to hold off a girl who was trying to check your pulse while you were passed out. She kept screaming that she was a nursing major and needed to make sure you were alive.
Been at work for four hours and just discovered the chairs in my office double as a napping surface. Most productive thing I've done all day
Sorry girl, my dick is like a rollercoaster. You only get a picture after you ride
Teenager with grandparents staying in their room: is to blue balls, as parent waiting for teen to come home safe: is to sleep. You will live- love mom
I'm about to start putting my tampons in the microwave for a few seconds these plastics applicators and this weather don't mix
Apparently "dick me" was not the response he was looking for.
this st patricks day sucks
ill send jameson via bank tube 150+ miles
It doesn't feel like real life when you open your hotel room door and the first person you see is wearing a rabbit costume. I'm too hungover for this.
I have meat and whiskey. will you bring condoms?
Thanks for being my best friend so I can use you as an alibi to my family while I'm out getting some dick in my face.
Sorry didnt text you yesterday. had to put restraining order on my ex.
Randomize
