Can't imagine what could be worse than pet-naming your penis, but I'll let it go.
In an effort to go green, I just used rainwater to fill my bong.
i just did my hair and make up to walk our dogs.. I hate being the single roommate
There's a sucker born every minute but swallowers are harder to find.
So glad I found your sister.
True. She actually gives a fuck. A quality looked down upon if she wants to be one of us
there's unknown territories my dick was not made to discover
Just heard an advertisement for 40 proof chocolate milk. We may never have to grow up
We got back together. The pastures weren't greener on the other side, the dicks were just smaller
Did you guys have sex yet? And don't worry, I broke the ice already by sending this to both of you. So you can just jump right into it. You're welcome.
I like that we've become good enough friends again that I can make fun of your penis without it being awkward
You wanna know how bad I feel? I couldn't get out of bed to get the remote, so I just downloaded the comcast app on my phone so I could change the channels
ETSY JUST SENT ME AN EMAIL WITH THE SUBJECT "SUMER ROMANCE" I'M BEYOND FUCKING DONE
The whole time you were apparently enduring your pukescapades, I was singing very loudly in the car to Beyonce on my way to get a post-coitus Diet Coke.
I'm over being sad. I'm now onto thinking about all the ways in which he is a total fuckwaste
Leaving the puke on the ceiling as a reminder.
Randomize
