i hope kanye doesn't show up to patrick swayze's funeral. " i'll let you get back to your funeral in a minute...but michael jackson had the best death of the year. just sayinnn ".
You told him your wedding ring was part of your costume. not okay!!
she said if she won the lottery she'd fuck me... isn't that like government funded prostitution?
Just saw a drunk guy marching down the strip with a garden rake. I feel compelled to follw him
While he was going down his phone rang and he answered saying I'll call you later I'm eating.
Underwear, t-shirt, bottle of Pinot Grigio and Golden Girls. I've hit a new level of homosexual.
I'm never waking up next to someone after sex again. It's alllll downhill from there.
This is how my night is going so far. The bartender bought our last two rounds and I'm chasing a bee around the bar with a foam bat.
I just flicked a lizard out of the window with a bud light in one hand and spatula inthe other...dont tell me you dont miss the south
Either I'm paranoid or I swear my parents rigged my house so you can never sneak in or have the munchies without being loud.
Oh yeah and one of the strippers brought you chips and water when you were passes out next to the toilet. So that was nice
I said "sucks to suck" to a cop last night. We've been snapchatting.
Antibacterial soap and prayers does not for spermicide make
Woke up in my boxers on a subway with a phone number written on my arm in lipstick..Best Night EVER.
Are you sure you found YOUR underwear?
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