What's everyones problem with my costume?!
It looks like a unicorn came on your face.
I wish i could convert my hornyness to productiveness. I would have written a fucking book by now.
this just has baby written all over it
I just found a video on my phone from last night of you yelling, "you can't fuck me!" at least 20 times
What are you doing St Patricks day? I'm banned from all work parties with open bar ever since the cinco de mayo party that I dumped a drink on my co-workers head and played air guitar on my boss' ankle cast.
Looks like breakfast in bed is out the window. She can't get up because I "fucked her into paralysis." My stomach is not happy with my dick right now
spending today hungover and untagging myself from all the pictures of me kissing girls so grandma doesnt have a heart attack. how was your new years?
I woke up with my panties in the cat food dish, and everything covered in honey and bruises.
I needed 3am water. Not 3am shots of rum.
The next time we go out, we're bringing a jar so that people can contribute to the rest of what I need to come up with for my breast implants... We'll show them yours for inspiration and persuasion.
Cause I know you wanna ride the D like a Vespa in ROMAN HOLIDAY
I wanna get a tattoo next to my tattoo that says, my ex did this so don't fucking ask
You know it's really hard to draft fantasy football players in a crowded bar when I have a raging hard on
I'm sure he likes you too... but your boyfriend is kind of a cockblock
my roommates gone so i can take codeine and sleep naked
Randomize
