i told him i was gay. he said that gay guys are supposed to be pretty.
closing bar tabs have helped me with simple math in college.
you know that dress I got margarita and puke on? yeah, just returned it.
DO NOT GO IN OUR BATHROOM. it cannot be unseen
Yeah, sam & jessica were trying to have sex and you walked in & started coaching them through it with a fake hulk hogan mustache on.
I know and I love you for your valets putting your thong on your seat
i think when the guy sitting in the corner singing tells you you're too drunk, you're too drunk.
You always seem to be able to bribe me with tequila and Mac and cheese. This relationship of ours will cause me health problems someday.
I was peeing in the bathroom at this house party when a guy just casually stumbles out of the shower
Now in just stoned listening to my dads philosophical idea about public transit
So i had a feeling this dude with one leg in a wheelchair was following me around Walmart turns out I was right. He just asked for a picture of my feet.
i mean i let him but still...
I just googled, "what type of cured meat does my face taste like", and one of the top results was, "The Definitive Guide to Bacon." I couldn't make this up if I tried.
I wasn't supposed to sleep w him. So of course I sent him gps location to my bed.
Gotta love college... Pregamed for my 8:30 flight home this morning and gave the flight attendants all high fives when I got on the plane. Best ride of my life.
Congrats, you are the first person our bartender ever met that actually needed wheeled out of a bar in a wheelchair. He said you were his hero.
Randomize
