I know it's not your turn to do the dishes, but since they're covered in your puke, it is.
Im on my period and I feel like I'm going to die. The only thing that can make this tolerable is for you to eat me out in the shower. Please. I'll do anything.
College has taught me that the "best idea" is rarely the fun one.
This is true but you can't really get fired from college
A guy at one of our big accounts just said you probably dont remember meeting me saturday night ps you were right about those two girls being lesbian
Seriously. What did you do to me. You have a monstercoooooock.
I can't believe I just typed monstercoooooock. Twice.
What's the right thing to say when he sends me a picture of his penis ?
She really is something else.
Words cannot describe what though. The best way to describe her is to say it like watching a bear and a whale have sex. You don't know why it's happening or how. But it's rather funny and you can't look away.
That's the fall semester you first snorted drugs off my ass I think
If there was a tv show called "True Life: My 58 Year Old Dad Rolls Better J's Than Me" I'd be on it.
Didn't get carded at the bar. We're getting wasted and then walking over to Bass Pro Shops to watch the indoor ducks swim around. And possibly buying a tent.
If your find a 12 pack on your doorstep consider it a gentleman's agreement to never speak of that night again
I was telling my friend about your penis and the only word I could think of was voluptuous. You have a voluptuous dick.
I somehow turned head, shoulders, knees, and toes into a sobriety test
How about this: I support you through your miserable marriage, and you support me through all my anonymous sex?
You opened the door to your apartment and shrieked "THE CHAIR IS GONE!" then punted a bag of votive candles
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