i just woke up to that girl in my doorway. I kid you not. Tan and lime green thong on. peeing on the carpet in the hallway. Then she collapsed. There is a load of towels in the wash. Just thought you should know when you wake up. Gross.
sometimes i just want to live alone. my roommate keeps looking at me weird like hes never seen a girl eat plain salt before
every single kid we've ever known, every single person we've gotten blow jobs from, every single person we've hit home runs with... is at dennys right now
I need to shower. I still have paint on me from the homeless guys
Just considered the plausability of using my detachable showerhead as a beer bong. Has my life really devolved to this?
Hold on, I gotta pump breast milk for the white russians.
When I woke up my bed had been moved to the middle of my living room, a hippie was spooning me on one side and a pile of cocaine on the other, did I go through a time warp or are we still in 2012?
after what u told me last night I think we're past the wtf zone and at this point u should just join me in wondering if my barista lover is a gay porn star
I'm on A4A looking at dick pics while the CEO is on the phone trying to convince me not to leave the company
i gotta stop hooking up with people just to get to their dogs
Basically I think I'm replacing men/sex with theme parks.
This is like the fourth time this month I've woken up hungover in someone's backyard
i walked into her house and she introduced me to her family. i dont think she understands the term booty call
How is it that I know 4 different bartenders who won't charge me for drinks, but I can't get laid?
Live it up bro, they're always so surprised to find out you use magnums, being such a tiny man and all. It's a good thing.
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