I have funfetti in my underwear...will you come get me?
Let's bang like we're on a Lifetime Channel movie.
Her vagina felt like a horse was eating an apple out of my hand..
she read insantiy as in-nast-tit-ty and asked what the hell does that mean...
my credit card is covered in vodka and bad memories
You convinced me that eggnog and rum is a great moisturizer.
Within 24 hours, I went to a feminist documentary screening with two state reps and you hate fucked a rent-a-cop on the helipad of your hospital. Somewhere our lives went in different directions.
I still make more money.
so he had an ashton kutcher Kelso haircurt. dude, we're in our mid to late 20s, I don't think we can ridicule guys for having hair anymore.
stoners and superglue do NOT mix
Also, fucking on half deflated air mattresses is a great full body work out.
It figures that the only time one of my videos on Snapchat gets replayed is a video of my Hedonism Bot impression and NOT my nudes
The bouncers found you passed out on the toilet. They tried to move you but you refused and repeatedly shouted that you wanted to go out like Elvis.
It's dangerous to be this horny at work. I'm gonna stain my desk chair
So i've noticed that drunk me erases sent messages to hide them from sober me, because drunk me knows that sober me will be PISSED at drunk me.
CTFD. There’s plenty of dick in the sea! This is Vegas, we import dick. \nWorst case scenario we get a rental penis
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