walked into a party last night, i saw 3 ex gfs standing in a circle talking to each other...that's the quickest u-turn i've ever made in my life.
he pissed his pants, and she still wants to hook me up with him. I try not to date guys with bladder control problems... Unless they're loaded anyway.
My roommate found me crawling down the hallway as she was on her way to her morning class. Its time for a new semester.
she's in the bathroom. spitting in the trashcan. not throwing up. just spitting and singing bad romance by lady gaga.
thatta girl
dude, when you're random girl from last night came down the stairs this morning she fell all the way down. I laughed. She just walked out. I hope shes ok. Tell her I give her a 10 for that landing though.
the homeless guy was waiting for me this morning. this is the closest to a boyfriend ive had in years.
He insisted that I looked like Kiefer Sutherland, told me he didn't know what to do about it, then hugged me awkwardly.
Btw...I puked in my hand last night and threw it on the floor. Don't let me do tequila ever again.
I guess I was trying to make a cheese sandwich, I had to change my sheets cuz I slept on it and the cheese melted all over me, Dave, and my bed
I told him I liked how shrimp feels in my mouth, but I don't actually like eating it. Turned out to be the most awkward way to say that I wanted to suck his dick.
Would "deck the halls with penises " be an appropriate event title? I know peni is the plural but flow of the tongue as well
Something about being drunk at 1pm chasing seagulls on the beach while it's raining is very calming
We could probably bang our way to enlightenment. However acid helps.
He was a foot taller than me and my hands were bigger than his, it's called Pity head
he was just sitting there in his underwear... and his chewbacca mask...
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