my mother just offered to pay for my fake id.
Apparently I was playing rock paper scissors against myself for 2 hours in the bathroom mirror.
I brought red and green boonsfarm to the white elephant party. classy and festive. I think this is what people are referring to when they talk about killing two birds with one stone.
You know that hot fire fighter I fucked yesterday? Well him and two other guys are killing the fire on my stove. Awkward.
he's from indiana, of course he's clueless about "g-spots"
He nailed 50 frozen hamburgers to the ceiling last night. Now there are flies every where.
I want him to be the Hulk to my Brooke Hogan this Halloween. Can I ask him to be my daddy this weekend?
Only if you say it like that.
Next time she asks for a ride to her "cousins" house and it turns out to be a booty call we're charging her for each mile.
I think we did. All i know my pants smell like pong water due to the bathroom extravagansa. God I feel like a whore.
Even dream me is a champ at smoking weed
I woke to him laying in the floor puking in a shoe. So I guess we had a good night.
alcohol and riverdancing are a dangerous mix. have a spraind ankle. i die now
It's five in the morning. wtf?
Butt Stuff 2016 unites us all
After I asked for my 6th Gin & Tonic, the look on the flight attendant's face started to make me feel bad about myself.
In other news, I’ve officially fucked a grandpa.
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