My place. Tomorrow Night. Bring your liver, and something for it to do.
this morning i realized i came home with more condoms then i left. burn.
I told the cop it was my birthday and he said "happy fuckin birthday", handcuffed me and threw me in the back of the cop car.
Just once id like to sleep with a man who i havent thrown up on
We have a hundred jello shots. Lines will be crossed.
Tell him I thought his Superman stand on your bed and cum all over your back was quite funny
It would have to be recorded, because that sex tape would be humanity's primary evidence of miracles
We should get Al Michaels to provide commentary for it.
I got so drunk last night that I drunk texted myself. "hand jobs are the currency of the future"
my last search of the night was "the physics of green eggs and ham" what the fuck
He didn't get how "starting a flash flood in my thunderhole" was a sexy euphemism. Deal breaker.
blue gatorade loses no color upon regurgitation
I'm sure the lady doing my pedicure could smell the sex on me.
So you've been sexting me while spending time with your family
I'm a family man but I have priorities
But seriously, I love you and you are a good person and I'll get you some ecstasy
I just had a mini meltdown cause I thought they forgot to put the cheese packet in my mac and cheese. I'm having an awful week.
Randomize
