fun fact: cucumber in vinegar with pepper = best ever high snack
so just incase you wake up on the couch wondering how you got there--you came home at 7am, put ice in a cup--then you proceeded to put the cup in the microwave and melt it because you "wanted water". you then, fell down the stairs while saying "you don't know me" then crawled to the couch.
so when I got there he was dressed as jesus in a recliner drinking whiskey out of the bottle watching spanish porn. Then kept shouting dont judge me or ill judge you. we didn't even go to a halloween party.
I just said that Oprah is crazy and like 5 fat white girls jumped down my throat. I sat back and smiled.
guess where i woke up this morning? If you guessed the hospital, you sir are correct.
she just uttered the sweetest sentence in the english language...my stripper friends are coming over
Dude you can't just initiate a threesome via twitter
I've never seen a kid turn down a sure thing for a possible handy by a freshmen. You need to re-evaluate.
we knew you were done when they played It's All Coming Back To Me Now by Celine Dion and you started crying
He tried to fight me not realizing that I work as a bouncer in the the same bar we were in. His night ended with him in handcuffs, missing teeth, PLUS I got his shots that he ordered since he didn't get to drink them.
It wasn't a basement apartment, it's his parents basement. And he wanted to show me his pet tarantula collection. I NOPED THE FUCK OUT!
As if I wouldn't steal Nintendo brand "Mario is my HOMEBOY!" boxers when he gave me the entire drawer to choose from.
I literally JUST MADE IT to the liquor store. I bought a box of wine with the lights off
Once again, marijuana saves me from going to jail
aloe plants are like gummy bears with an exoskeleton, but with healing powers instead of deliciousness.
are you on the drugs???
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