totally got the gold medal for the best fence jump when the cops came.
i just saw a girl w/ a shirt that said "im the single friend." yeah i bet u r. stop wearing shirts like that and that could change.
Question: Is it too early to claim April Fools on the text "can we do some lines before the concert" that I accidentally sent Mom?
Thanks for stealing lime trees for me at 4:00 am. We're well on our way to having sustainable supplies for mojitos this summer.
Plus apparently whenever one of her friends loses their virginity they get a party with a funfetti cake which I found funny
using the left over highlighters from the blacklight party to study for finals. feeling the need to write insert penis here on my econ notes.
I'm pretty sure you're not supposed to hit on someone with another guy's semen in your hair. not even at ihop.
Its officially tradition: I black out every year on michael jackson's death day..
If you go to the bathroom don't ask why there's diet coke on the toilet. Loller copter. Blow is fun.
My mom said she saw you at the bar last night and asked how you were. She said, you replied with, "Oh you know, just knocked up."
Figured I'd get right to the point
I can only only sleep there on nights I orgasm cause he snores so loud and if he leaves me hanging one more time ill probably cut off his dick from lack of sleep and frustration
Who knew you could get a drunk in public when jogging with your dog?
I really enjoy how cavalier you're being about your chlamydia
We need to feng shui this bitch.
i think if a sober person was watching us they would have not thought we were witty
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