here I sit at Southern Illinois' finest pubs and I thought I heard your laugh. I was sadly astonished to turn and find a midget cracking herself up reading the label on her can of chewing tobacco...
The guy I was getting with last night took off his purity ring mid-sex and threw it across the room.
Ryan Howard.... the only guy who struck out more than me this weekend
Karaoke into a bottle of boones. dear summer in alabama, glad to see you again.
Most awkward car ride ever. Kid in the front seat was bawling, 2 in the backseat were ready to fight, and I was giving the last kid a handie. This needs to stop happening to us.
Is it too early to start a donation jar for my 4th of july hospital bills?
Our lady landlord called. Dot worry, I handled it. Drunk. Tell her it was Nate. Done. Good. Bye. Drunk.
She has "Massive Shits" listed as a turn off. That's very specific and there's a story behind it I bet.
Sweet, got a date tomorrow night
There is a midget driving a powered tricycle around town. I am not drunk, stoned, or lying.
I climaxed at the same time the bass dropped. I think it's safe to say I've reached enlightenment
It's not vacation until I get called "disgustinly sexy" by an fat woman whose older than my mother.
Since when do my one night stands start sending you friend requests?
So I have three weeks to get rid of his girlfriend and fuck him senseless before he goes to jail
you asked if you could borrow my vagina for the night
This is a crisis. I had a huge crush on him in seventh grade and now his girlfriend is due to have his child on my birthday. HIS CHILD CAN'T BE BORN ON MY BIRTHDAY.
Randomize
