You told me when we were leaving the club if I could pin point your nipple through your padded bra you would show me if I was right.
i took it, then realized you live 3 ours away. but if you start driving now, im almost positive I'll still be hard
I'm trying to think of how to explain to the dentist tomorrow that I think I pulled my jaw muscle eating pizza while drunk.
My friend and I just coined a new term. OBJ. The obligatory blow job. You totally know what I'm talking about.
Like if he goes down on you first, or you just don't want to bone him yet. OBJ.
Halfway through he got an idea for a short story so he wrote it in magic marker on my boobs. Yeah, he's a keeper.
Your headphones are on the door knob and I left you a burger on the door step.
He tried to tip me with his police badge...
and you didn't accept WHY?!
It wasn't your birthday, you weren't supposed to be the drunk one
When people keep buying you drinks at the bar because they like you, you can't say no to them
I'M CUDDLING WITH MY CAT AND THAT GUY SENT ME A DICK PIC. UNANNOUNCED DICK PICS ARE TERRIFYING AND MY CAT WILL NEVER BE THE SAME
Sorry that I got drunk and refused to let you buy me pizza. I'm a monster and I understand if you hate me forever
We literally solved our fight using cat pictures on Instagram. True love.
So apparently, after 11 beers, 2 pitchers of sangria and 3 rhum & cokes, the idea of popping a load of MD and jumping on the trampoline, in the woods, in my underwear was the best one ever.
This night could easily degenerate into a drunken haze of strippers and gambling, but I need a support network.
Because of you I'm damaged goods. I'm a fucking soup can and you dropped me.
it’s my vagina i can do what i want to
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