It was just so hard to get through Conan without crying like a baby. I'm just so proud of him.
you know its a sad night when you can actually see and hear sitcoms on at the bar
I DONT WANT TO PLUS I THINK I FLUSHED MY KEYS DOWN THE TOILET WHILE I WAS PEEING
This time, try to not get fingered in the middle of the living room.
I DIDNT GET FINGERED
I was rubbed
well, obviously he didn't fuck me for my strong moral fiber.
Note to self, stop going out with self absorbed bisexuals
That stripper was not happy when I tried putting a dollar in her court mandated ankle bracket/tracking device
Had sex with him again...yikes. and the whole time he kept saying "i wish we could do this forever." Forever lasted about 45 seconds
He kept singing Happy Birthday to himself, yelling at the bouncers for not letting him in, and telling them his "father will hear of this." He was like a drunken Scottish Draco Malfoy.
Fell off the toilet trying to reach to put my tampon in the garbage. Pride hurts real bad.
I'm having leftover pizza for breakfast. I'm clearly not the greatest at this adult thing.
He somehow obtained a megaphone and managed to scare away the out-of-control house party—the house party that HE started, by the way— by pretending to be the police.
Remember when I puked into a mesh garbage can in the middle of a meeting and told the clients it was "morning sickness"?
hahah yep
Well the are flying back here, it's been like 10 months, should I frame fake baby pics in my office?? Or too much?
I can't believe just smoked out of a pear
I can't believe you had a pear already made to smoke out of, that was impressive
I'm currently in a U-Haul truck right now. Going to a party. I hate myself.
just to let you know, that was probably the funniest text i've ever received.
I suppose that kind of helps fill the void where my self respect used to be.
Randomize
