At least we lost an hour tonight! Less time to make a fool of myself
I keep pulling short curlies out of my mouth. Not cool
She highfived me after i yelled "I'm the clit-commander!" when i came. kevin smith fan and clearly a keeper
So I had to explain to her that pussy doesn't mean a cat
So I purposely left a bunch of metal in my pockets so that the smokin hot TSA officer would give me a pat down. Airport security just got fun
There are too many people and smells in this elevator for my hangover to handle.
The length of my leg hair is a constant reminder of how long it's been since I even thought I had a chance of getting laid.
He said "just hugs" and ran away screaming.
So it may have been laced, sue me.
Also, I called my liver hardcore in front of vet students last night and then wound up having three of them trying to palpate it. So...not saying that again.
Grandpa just put 6 jello shots on his plate. My aunt tried to take them away; he flipped her off. Living in the retirement home has hardened him.
WHAT A DUMBASS ugh I'm so glad he looks like a middle aged dad now
NO ITS THAT IM A SEXUAL DEVIANT AND CANT FILTER MYSELF
What kind of friend would I be if I didn't make you hate things you once loved?
I’m pregaming Christmas shopping with grandma. What’s up?
I need to get laid. Right now that freshman frat pledge & my Econ professor are the leading candidates
That’s quite a spread
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