he started yelling "this is my pussy" mid thrust
She said she didn't have time to shave "there"
Then she shouldn't have had time to order the lobster.
Just saw a woman walking a golden retriever and a vacuum down the road. I miss downtown.
I'm calling into work with a wicked case of sledge hammer crotch. She has to understand
We left around 4am, just after you laid down on your front lawn to take a piss. After 15 mins I said "dude are you still peeing?" you replied "Nope, just laying here with my dick out."
Let's paint friendship bongs
I just found a 2 minute video on my phone of you throwing up in a fake plant.
My neighbor caught me peeing on his rose bushes at 2 in the morning while wearing my Santa hat. My sex appeal has never been higher.
I know this is really fun but I don't wanna glow anymore
I want a MapMyFart App, where I can mark every spot where I have ripped one. Like here.
tried to make it look like I had been conscious/awake and out all day when I stumbled into cvs at 6pm to buy plan B
update: I failed
I don't remember much from my 21st, but my mom said I insisted on the fat guy taking body shots off me
He kept squeezing my butt and telling me how smart I was
I'm at the back whiskey bar with a 7 and 7 in a winnie the pooh costume. Come find me.
We've been fucking like crazy ever since she quit her job..ive been running errands all day to stay out of the house and give my dick a day of rest
I hate my life now
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