I had a long pep-talk with my penis that ended in "I love you, I'll try harder and I'm sorry."
It saddens me that girls will never know the wonder feeling of pulling your sweaty nutsack off of your leg.
Took her home last night and it was like trying to put an oyster in a slot machine. I may have drank a little too much.
Found out why they call her Halfpipe Jenny-NOT the cool reason we thought
Do you ever just look at me and get embarrassed?
Bought two parrots for us. I'm keeping them at the Bellagio.
God that barista is texting me bout his life like i care i mean dude just hook me up with free coffee thats why i gave you my number
So I love how we keep introducing our friends to sex toys. It's like pay it forward vibrator edition.
I really gotta be careful. My email inbox is equal parts notifications from instructors and this dude's dick. If I get drunk and reply to the wrong thing I might get kicked out of grad school.
It's surprise blowjob week. You should be excited.
You ran through a field yelling "I'm frolicking! I'm frolicking!" Then fell on your face. How is your nose today, doll?
It's decided. Tomorrow I'm getting a Big Mac and a Dildo
He lives 20 minutes away driving distance and decided to walk. I talked to him today and he took a nap along the way... In a cemetery.
That awkward moment when you bring a guy back to your place then have to tell him you only have magnums.
just got back. in my inebriated state i broke an ugly lamp and was sent to the store (still drunk) to get a new one. just spent last half hour in isle 3 of dollar general surounded by more ugly lamps and trying not to throw up on each and every single one.
Randomize
