I missed Saved by the Bell this morning, but Ashley in a later episode of Fresh Prince is keeping the morning wood alive.
my boobs are a 3G dead zone. as soon as i take my phone out of my bra, it has a signal again.
In Vegas, have spent the last 48 hours wearing a viking helmet and fanny pack. I consider this to be a career high since drinking is my career
He said he's was gunna give me some pain meds. I'm not sure what they are but I just gave him a thumbs up
I woke up with $100 in my pocket and I was so excited until I found an atm receipt for a $500 withdrawal. Not as exciting.
You wouldn't let me clean the puke off your face because I'd mess up your cat whiskers. Now that's dedication.
Im pretty sure it started going awry when I asked their mom "How much would it cost me to sleep with your daughters"
There's a fried egg and an empty bottle of reddiwhip in the parking lot. Did you have fun last night?
You're just jealous because you lost me and I ended up at another party licking Marshmallow Fluff bikinis off of lesbians.
You can't just take out your bong for hits in public places... That's what pipes are for. You've got to be stealthier.
No, it's okay because this is the city of trees.
YOU'VE ALREADY BEEN BUSTED MORE THAN ONCE. THAT'S NOT A VALID EXCUSE FOR BONG HITS IN COFFEE GARDEN
I hope Team Snapchat has been enjoying our sex snaps all this week.
I'm prostituting myself for tickets to Disney World. There's a contradiction there.
Alas my dad DD'd me. Legit cock blocked to the highest degree
I don't think meeting his drug dealers counts as a relationship landmark.
Sorry about kicking you last night but you don’t mess with a girls margarita bucket. Ever
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