In Vegas, have spent the last 48 hours wearing a viking helmet and fanny pack. I consider this to be a career high since drinking is my career
all I remember was being half naked drinking water on my hands and knees from her dogs water bowl.
guess where i woke up this morning? If you guessed the hospital, you sir are correct.
she let a homeless guy feel her up so she could go for a ride in his shopping cart
he ate me out on his front porch at dawn. i orgasmed when the sun began to rise. most romantic morning booty call ever.
I'm sitting with my parents watching football and moaned when I saw his shirtless picture. They looked at me weird so I had to turn the moan into a laugh. A sad, really horny laugh.
Just found weed in my belly button. Happy Saturday!
I haven't had a normal poop since halloween, we are not mixing vodka and tequila ever again
RESPECT THE VODQUILA
I slept with one of the directors so you would get a good price on the ballroom for your reception. I'm the best MOH. You owe me bitch
Being able to fart in my own house is like 90% of why I pay rent
Just brought out that old CCM hockey helmet. The one covered in sharpie penises with "DRUNK BUCKET" written across the front. The number of tally marks / initials from tonight's drunk stunts alone is equal parts inspiring and alarming.
Went to take a shower. Brought my wine, forgot my towel.
Can't tell if it's the drugs or science magic, but I *THINK* that mouse just turned into a squirrel.
Our livers are going to hate us.
It's okay, they're regenerative. God wanted this.
I texted her mom a picture of us doing it saying "I'm trying to make your daughter just like you!" she was not amused.
Randomize
