this girl literally referred to her butthole as her "back pussy"
Dude, this old lady messaged me on Facebook talking about her grandson and wanted to know shit about me. I'd almost call her a cougar except she looks like mashed potatoes that have come alive.
all but 2 of were put on probation for disorderly conduct. i know, visiting a hospital when your drunk is really stupid but it seemed like such a good idea at the time
swear to god, "it seemed like a good idea at the time" is gonna be on your epitaph
I call it my summer of slut; except summer lasts from May until December. It's been incredibly successful
I mean, we started to hook up but my asthma attack kind of killed the mood
Dude, you left ME alone in your house. With your fully-stocked wine cellar. Why would you do that to yourself?
Apparently after awhile self preservation trumps libido. This is new news to me.
I fucking love my neighbors. I offered him chocolate and somehow it turned into a sexual proposition.
You texted me a picture of your face along with #help
I love the fact that my Mom has been present at 90% of my drug deals.
Isn't it funny how we're still best friends after that incident with the old lady in the bathroom
You fucking bailed on me. But I love you still
Someone threw up pink in the shower, there's a golf cart tipped over on the lawn and Cousin Brian is missing. What could Friday night throw at us?
aloe plants are like gummy bears with an exoskeleton, but with healing powers instead of deliciousness.
are you on the drugs???
it was weird i started the party in just my underwear and woke up in my clothes
I kept my extra Molly pill in my wallet in the change part, that's also where I keep my body jewelry while I'm working. The nose ring punctured the pill essentially coating itself in MDMA. My nose ring is back in my nose. This could be entertaining
Randomize
