I just changed her number in my phone to "You Wouldn't If You were Sober"
Dude, no matter how drunk you are, it's not okay to hug every other guy at a strip club. Mainly because boners are far too common.
You were in the corner dancing by yourself yelling "I look good", when really you looked ridiculous and drunk
Do you think if Santa was real that he's have a big penis?
I can't believe all I ate yesterday was half a turkey sandwich and 20 finger licks of exctasy.
You wouldn't let me clean the puke off your face because I'd mess up your cat whiskers. Now that's dedication.
I just watched a woman in a full wedding dress and veil walk out of the chinese buffet...I no longer believe I have a problem, and am afraid I am underdressed.
Whatever. I'm just trying to get my dick sucked while taking online harmonica lessons
In that case, I'll try 2 find a date. But my options are AA friends or fuck buddies.
I can't feel my tongue. And that means go. Green means go. And you know what Barney says. Green means go and woah means no. DRIIIIINKK
Also, I wish we had magnetic nipple rings and our boobs stuck together.
Real life skills section of my resume: blow jobs, food knowledge trivia, sarcasm, mascaera application, sexting, tolerance of rail liquors
oh what is to come when my single life starts with a threesome?
I'm at work behind the bar and just washed my mouth out with rumple bc I don't have a toothbrush. This may be a new low.
Consume your own penis you ugly freak.
Randomize
