He is either going to be in my pants or get a restraining order against me.
My face smells like last night's lay. I need a whore bath. Or a corndog.
My birth control alarm gets more depressing every night.
My new years resolution is to be alive new years morning
just got my tax refund and at bell. how do you say i want a grand worth of 5 layer burritos in spanish?
The woman at the nail salon waxing my lip just showed me the strip with all the hair on it while smirking. Apparenltly 'you have a stache' can be communicated through a language barrier.
Bering your kids um. Abiout tol. Throw up
Yeah. I had to take off my shirt. It's soaked in weakness.
I'm just gonna stay I'm bed where it is warm and cozy and nobody knows me as the girl that puked on a stripper
Not gonna make it. My ovaries are playing laser tag
On the food pyramid big dick are "sometimes foods"
She had her pubic hair down there shaved into the superman s............. Best one night stand ever.
He showed up to my apt at 6am wearing a suit and holding a bag of coke....how could I not let him in?
Once my new license was put into my hand, a light from the heavens shined down and pauly D's voice was in my mind saying ohh yeaaah 21 yeaaah
He wants to play improv games now whenever he gets drunk. Sometimes I just do not have the energy for that kind of a thing
Randomize
