I'm saving my limes so I'll know how many drinks I've had.
I do the same thing, but I use ice cubes.
I think I found my soulmate. This guy in front of me is yelling about getting laid while holding two beers and texting. I think this is love.
everyone has their kryptonite. mine just happens to be 18 year old blonde girls.
I forgot it was 4/20. that COMPLETELY explains the 7/11. i was like "that's a lot of white dudes... and they're really into snacking."
He said he wants to make an itinerary for the sex we'll have when I come home.
I just saw her shopping list. The only things on it are blackberries, hot fudge and condoms. I almost don't wanna know. Almost.
I look like a zombie and smell like a stripper. Its gonna be a good day.
Your vagina felt like having sex with thanksgiving mashed potatoes. The best kind of mashed potatoes
I'm in the line at Chipotle thinking: "What combo will best prepare my body for the open bar I'm going to subject it to tonight?"
Dude, he wouldn't have sex with me during halftime cause we were rooting for different teams and that would be "bad juju", I had to settle for 69.
I have hobbies that aren't destroying myself and others...i can make hats.....
No one should have to go to work between Christmas and New Years, but here I am twirling in my office chair and putting Jack in my coffee like I’m back in college studying for finals.
I'll give you another blowjob if you bring me some cake.
Found your brother. He was passed out in the tub holding a bottle of Shatto milk wearing nothing but his tighty-whities.
you have 10 seconds to explain why the toilet is full of bread or its ALL GOING ON YOUR BED.
Randomize
