Just got my rental car in Iowa...gas is under 2 dollars in des moines...this is not a real state
i would really appreciate it if you would stop texting my girlfriend.
i would really appreciate it if you would stop cock blocking me.
My New Years Resolution was to get a girl I dont know pregnant. 8 months later I can check that off the list..
What's the name of that girl you hooked up with? The one that looks like the fire hose sign.
he's a nude model. what could you have done to make him feel awkward??
I just saw at least a dozen senior citizens on roller blades. way to drunk for this.
No, he attached a coozie to his crutches so he can carry his beer around the party.
The cops are here to take me to jail, so I guess I have to go with them. If I'm not out by 6 p.m., there is some left-over lasagna in the fridge for you.
Euphemism? No, "pantsless vodka yoga" is a legitimate pastime of mine
I passed out drunk and Jane had created a picnic on my chest. I had chips and a hamburger laid out on my boobs. The only reason I woke up is she was trying to feed me too.
He told me he wanted a penis beard so that he could look at girls faces when they gave him blowjobs. i have to say, i kind of admire his creativity
The second time he came it projectile shot in my ear
We were in a spooning position and it shot all the way up. He was like sorry. Physics.
there's a girl on facebook trying to buy me a pizza. I can't say no... right?
our friendships a beautiful delicate flower...that has been crushed by peni
dont you DARE use my tequila influenced words against me
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