I got a call from 999 999 9999. I didn't answer it because I was too busy freaking out about the number.
It was probably Jesus.
I feel like he would have left a message.
How come it tastes like onions whenever I go down on her?
Did you know nanny-cams work just as well for recording that blow job on the sofa?
Did you ever feel like going into a planned parenthood and performing an abortion in front of them?
Umm..who the fuck is this?
Oh shit
Someone just asked if you were the one who rode around the bar on some girls back
is pulling out brownies in the middle of class on 4/20 just too obvious?
you crashed our wine night double date and sat on the floor eating cheese talking about how big his dick is.
We would be rich. And the whole world would be stoned.
I know everytime I get my paycheck I'm like "I should probably renew my gym membership" and then I just buy more alcohol
I walked into a McDonalds at 8:30 am with a half-eaten apple and a solo cup. Never felt so judged.
It's gameday bitch. Man up.
I CRIED after phone sex. Am I gay?
alicia just called me and talked to me in "the eternal language of the dinosaurs" and then kind of roared and gurgled. what kind of 4th of july are you guys having?
the boozy kind. is there any other?
For an hr, you were convinced you no longer had a right arm so you played Super Mario Bros with just your left hand vs Beth. You won btw, mite b why she refused to wear the unicorn head
What's an appropriate engagement gift for the girl that's marrying your brother's Tuesday night hookup? Cause all I can think of is vodka and Kleenex.
Don't tell me you're on acid again
Randomize
