I had so many friends before that round of Never Have I Ever.
I'm worried someone is gonna take a black light to my work computer. But the connection is faster here.
easter eggs filled with ecstasy. it's what jesus would do.
I'd invite him but there's too many people who have fucked me going already
there was this guy running across campus barefoot in the pouring rain stepping in all the puddles. i want his life. and i want to be stripper.
First lesson of the year: don't close the bar on mondays
What's the over under on catching something from your sister?
And then. You beer bonged 3 tall boys. In a row. Fell into some kids lap. And pulled down my shirt trying to get up. Thank you for that. I got laid
But you have work tomorrow. And a whore to pick up. And a dinner to eat. And a vagina to slaughter. Your day is full!
I appreciate the concept of vaginal slaughtering.
There are too many people and smells in this elevator for my hangover to handle.
"I'm 95% straight," he says. Cut to him on his knees...by far the most beautiful guy I've ever fucked.
I just ordered $70 worth of pizza and I'm not even ashamed. Happy Valentine's Day to me.
I got my period today and I cried tears of joy. And then just cried because my cramps are actually killing me from the inside out.
I swear I was in Legend of Zelda Twilight Princess and American Ninja Warrior at the same time. I'm never getting high while rock climbing again.
You took a bite of the snack wrap put it down and fell asleep and when you woke up ten minutes later you asked how it got there, dipped it in soda ate it and fell back asleep.
Randomize
