So some girl kept staring at me and giving me these weird looks. That's when I realized she could probably hear the Mulan soundtrack playing on my iPod...
Best friends brother. Beat that.
When one is stoned and browsing online dating profiles all men sound like serial killers.
The reign of the rally queen is over. Welcome to the age of the walking dead.
Caleb has a beard comb now. Also I have a pube comb now too. May or may not be related incidents
He thought he was ordering for the whole party so when he came back with thirty burritos and four of us were left, he wasn't happy
A prostitute stole us beer at 3 am
I'm adopting to save the world from the moral outrage that would be my offspring
When you have to have Siri remind you that you're on your period cuz you're so drunk you keep forgetting about tampons it might be time to call it a night.
He smacked my ass so hard my ass cheek looks like Wilson from Cast Away
I woke up with a hangover and a man bun. Reached over to drink water and accidentally chugged raspberry vodka. So there's that.
Sorry I banged your sister. But in my defense you ain't fucked me in a month. In fact I should get a medal for keeping it in your family.
Sorry for peeing on your books last night. I wouldn't leave them next to the window anymore.
i woke up on the third floor, naked in a closet.
Now, I know I say this a lot, but you've obviously never seen my penis.
Randomize
