I'm gonna cuddle the shit out of you tomorrow
its not stalking. its research.
Excuse me? I'm weird? You're the one sticking your penis into a pringles can.
Apparently I kept telling the bartender that I was going to set the Guinness World Record.
I'm sorry I kept calling last night when you wouldn't pick up. I'm REALLY sorry I sang "You Oughta Know" on more than 4 voice mails.
I woke up with his wallet, but not him. Gold-digging at it's finest.
Is it possible to get a DUI in a wheelchair that's not yours?
After the 3rd shot, she was running around singing, "Twinkle Twinkle Big Ol' Dick, on your happy place I'll sit" to your brother.
Put that bitch's torch out. She's been voted off.
Hey, I'm probably about to be arrested but I didn't want to wake you. But it would be cool of you to get the $500.00 I have in the box I keep my "medicine" in and come bail me out. Also I figured you would be amused at the thought of me fending off brutal prison rape tonight.
it was like fucking a Mumford & Sons song
They made up a new version of "Smash or Pass" called "I would(n't) let you sit on my face" to yell at the freshman
Tune in tm morning for how to buy Plan B in a foreign country while coming down off ecstasy
my experiences serve only to benefit you young virgin
I just want to see his penis in the light. Is that a crime?
I wrote notes to myself all over my body. "don't yell at cops again" "Cody stole your phone" "you kissed Cody" "vodka shots are bad for your liver" and "cactus pretty" WTF????
Randomize
