It's pretty bad when the convenient store clerk can tell you that you're earlier than usual for visiting the store.
Just woke to a Christmas wrapped pack of hotdogs in my bathtub. How high did we get?
Soo I have a handle of 100 proof captain, cupcakes, and nothing to get up for in the morning.. This blizzard is shaping up to be a great night.
Hey, I didn't ask that stripper to put her unds in my mouth, it was just covered by the plus package fee I ordered.
I don't think eating half of a pickle out of my mouth counts as getting to know me
I get that he's ugly and I deserve better but I will still beat up the girls he hangs out with.
This electrician is just ripping my house apart and I'm too hungover to ask questions
Well I either feel like the fat girl or very accomplished because his bed is now broken in three places
She looks like a hot George Washington...I'm going for it
Your friend gave me you're number. I was the guy locked behind the book shelf.
I think you have the wrong number, but I hope you escaped your library-prison?
They took the TVs out of the gym and the mini-Mart only had 2% milk. 2015 wants me to be fat
She started throwing ice at me and started yelling, "Holy water bitches! This is an exorcism!"
Not entirely sure how I got drunk off 2 mimosas but here I am
I think about him when I masturbate so I guess you could call it love
Guess whose grandma smokes weed?
Randomize
