Killed two birds with one stone: found my wallet and unclogged the toilet.
I found the pot of gold last night, and it was full of bad decisions.
You said that my dog would "complete your puzzle" then you got naked and took it behind the bar
getting up at 8am to start drinking seemed like a much better idea before I had to wake up at 8am
Their engagement party consisted of them doing shots, yelling at each other, leaving for 30 minutes, and coming back with smiles.
I'd say they're off to a great start!
It's like hey here is one penis enjoy nothing but that for the rest of your life
I faked an orgasm during phone sex last night. This relationship is starting to become real.
You also hate cartoons and musicals, so I will take that to mean the movie was as awesome as I thought it was..smoke weed
And now I have a massive dip in and a Bloody Mary that would catch on fire if you put a flame close to it, with no pants on... At 8:15Am. Being single is pretty legit
HOW THE FUCK CAN YOU NOT REMEMBER WHIPPING IT OUT AND PUTTING ON THE BAR?
By the way, you're banned for life.
Odd start to the day - the FBI just showed up at my apartment.
Breaking news: when you're gone every towel is a dick towel
I'm still drunk dear. I just woke up 3 feet from the front door with 20 dollars worth of taco bell in my hands.
He left a fire sauce packet from taco bell that said "promise you'll text me in the morning" on my nightstand.
For a second I thought he was going to give me an intervention
You can't give interventions in a bar!
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