Literal conversation "you are ________ ____. you facebook friended me"
my mom just emptied my water bottle filled with vodka into the turtle tank.
the pub in dfw airport has a countdown timer to st. pattys day, to the second, i like texas
Its so akward after he cums on my face. like usually the porn just ends
Go on vacation with her and forget to pack pants. I did that once and it worked like a charm.
I don't think he grasps the fact that I would much rather he finish inside me than on my $400 Anthropolgie bedspread
Whatever you gave me is making me lactate
We would have taken you home with us, but you were outside the bar measuring a randoms stream of piss by walking along side it... you said you were only at 32 feet and it still had a couple of grooves to hit.
She asked me to go inside, make myself a drink and slip into something a little more naked.
Out of desperation, I used the leftover sauce from my goat masala as a mixer for vodka shots.
you know, i'm always afraid you're going to think i only want you for sex because i only text you when i'm horny
speaking of, guess what i'm thinking about
I have nothing to say other than the obvious 'we probably shouldn't have done that' and the less obvious 'i think you bruised my labia major' ...?
First Peyton Manning retires, and now the most interesting man in the world is retiring for Dos Equis. This is the worst week of my fucking life.
Should I wear my "kiss me I'm highrish" shirt for my drug screen today?
Dude I left his house at 5:30 a.m. after you peed on his front door and then tried to fight me for my blanket. Don't even do that at my house or I will end you.
hahahahaha. Worst. Text. Ever.
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