M and I are hungry and we are making your pizza in the fridge. But you're having sex and we're not so we dont feel bad.
I just had to pull over at a starbucks to throw up in the bathroom. They really should not have let me be a lawyer.
Instead of asking if I had a condom she literally said " I'm not on the pill but I'm pro choice... your move"... I'm in love
Isn't that the only thing she's good at? Complaining and blow jobs?
Dude feel your hair right now it feels so weird like pasta
Thank you as well. My penis is starting a slow-clap right now.
You are right. The scrape marks on her ass are from her breaking the doggy door by crawling through it.
It would only make sense that I'd cheat on him with his best friend on the ides of march...
Dude, did you really "knight me" and tell me I had permission to bang your sister last night?
Oh god. Just tried to hail a pizza delivery car. Awkward.
International sake day = success
New year means new boundaries for the Brazilian lady.. I'm pretty sure I got wax on my asshole
I had to steal sneakers from my man of the night. I dipped. But then realized I left my purse in his house. So I had to stash the shoes in some bushes and wait for him on the stoop. Then after he watches me leave, I run back and get the shoes cuz I didn't wanna be taking my hour long journey home through London at 3 pm in my six inch wedges and club dress
I had sex on a dinosaur comforter, tell me that does not define my life.
We were on the beach when you spilled sand in the bottle and said "relax it's vodka, it'll disinfect itself"
Turns out your granddad is cooler than you. We're taking him on our New year's eve pub crawl instead. Sorry.
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