I love you
are you drunk
yes but I def love you, we should get married
But I'm Jewish
embrace Jesus
you kept telling everyone that you were the mayor of silverware town
it was like weight watchers had a halloween party.
i just looked at the calendar to see when spring break is and literally stopped eating
i don't know where i am. i made bad decisions. i think this guy is dead.
I was to drunk to walk in jimmy john's so I called and got a pickle delivered to me outside the bar , too much?
OK am i seriously the only one who thinks Cocaine Tuesdays is a bad idea?
We dared each other to drink Arbor Mist, and I waterboarded someone with tequila.
Well his dad is my dentist so they've both been in my mouth.
But the sex is so much better when he already has a girlfriend
I'm covered in glow paint and I can't find my shirt. So, successful night
My lighter is stuck in my beard.
If I die tonight somebody's going to have to let all my tinder matches know.
Wasted. And I have 5 pounds of potatoes that I'm responsible for.
He caught me shoving meatballs into my mouth using my hand. Fuck utensils. It’s Christmas...and this is why I’m single.
They are good meatballs.
Randomize
