I need a sticker that says "It's no use hitting on me - I'm the plus one" Seriously, how do they think I got in in the 1st place?
...So a 6 ft tall drag queen in heels I would kill for just told me I have a dunkable ass. I'm confused...but I'll take any compliment I can.
Man THE POSTAL SERVICE is awesome when I'm high..... But they suck when I'm sober.
Your roommate was biting my friend last night. It was weird.
You know your in college when you use the receipt from the liquor store as a bookmark
you said you couldnt let go of the fence because your hand was molding to it.
If I don't wake up hungover in a ditch Monday morning I will consider my halloween a failure
Tell nick i'm sorry for throwing a block of cheese at him last night
Do you think she will like "you don't have to swallow this time" gift certificates for Xmas?
There's a dead squirrel in the freezer. Is that what you stopped to get out of the road last night?
I should work for the FBI. Or planned parenthood.
That's quite a broad spectrum. What did you do?
OMG THE KID WHO TRIED TO MAKE OUT AT THE BAR WITH ME IS SITTIG NEXT TO ME IN THE AIRPORT. WHY LIFE WHY???
I think he's like 40 and maybe a little sociopathetic and i have never been so turned on
Another text to add to the intervention pile, i see
I mean you're asking high Chelsea. I'd sell myself for a rice crispy
It's 2016 and I'm somehow banging the milkman.
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