good news, i'm not pregnant. bad news, i had sex with ***** last night and i think i'd rather be pregnant
I*** M*****, this is your dignity texting you. I ditched you when you started hitting on bros and old sailor men last night. My friend Sarah has pictures to prove it.
guess they didn't have any donuts in her size.
I don't think the cop knew you were on ecstasy until you asked for a back rub.
OK am i seriously the only one who thinks Cocaine Tuesdays is a bad idea?
GLITTER SLIP N SLIDE MUTHAFUCKAH~
There's hot sauce all over my mirror, lamp shade and dresser. Also it's your turn for weed
Your actions as of last night have earned you over thirty new nicknames.
Does being an adult mean drunkenly signing for your tax return from a foreign country? If so, I've reached adulthood.
I am coming home with the worst sun burn of my life, two unused condoms, and an unworn slutty dress. Worst. Bachelorette. Party. Ever.
the universe is starting to freak me out.. ive now had sex with 3 people who were born on the same day..
Your cat ate my taco.
. . . I don't have a cat?
It was laying in your bed. Now it's hunting for more tacos.
I'm getting drunk off Malibu and watching Drag Race and it's only 2 in the afternoon. I'm the poster child for sad gay men.
Guess who just stumbled into work hungover, wearing yesterday's clothes, covered in hickeys and glitter, and carrying a giant bottle of rum in her purse.
I just took plan B at work.
This is the greatest story of all time.
New drinking game get out your high school year book and take a shot for everyone in your class who's had a baby!
Randomize
