I found the seven page love letter I had written you. I'm sorry i was so obsessed.
things that need to be invented #43: vodka that also acts as birth control.
you kept trying to make scrambled eggs with 3 hardboiled ones.
Seriously. My exes act like they own shares of my vagina.
Well, in their defense, they have invested a lot of time and money
dude just did a line with screech. dude is fucking creepy
I just opened a bottle of wine with a shoe and a tube of mascara. Get on my level
If someone would have told me in preschool that I was going to do him I would have said no
Tell him I thought his Superman stand on your bed and cum all over your back was quite funny
I was the king of the handle race. My team finished it in 56 minutes.
you don't get it. Nobody wins a handle race. there just degrees of losing.
Just spread butter on my bathrobe. This has been an ace morning.
I knew this night was headed for bad when I was drinking cherry bombs out of a sippy cup in the shower
In light of your oncoming completion of twenty-three years of personhood, I feel a pressing need to blast country-pop phenomenon Taylor Swift's hit single "22" in your general direction until midnight.
but I truly enjoy making out with my best friend more than my boyfriend
once he tried to wake me up from my hangover nap to have sex, that's when things went downhill. he had to go.
I knew you were cut off when you tried to order a "Phil Collins"
Randomize
