yes because when i jack off the first person i think about is christina applegate
i hate that site..its like every vagina you dont wanna see
i'm at a party where swedish girls are dumping laundry detergent on each other because it glows in blacklight. this is awesome
I gave them both handjobs at the same time. Felt like I was skiing
good news. it is gonna rain tomorrow so now I don't have to pay to clean the puke off the side of your car.
while being fingered today, I was told I have an abnormally deep g-spot. Now you know, I am a size queen because of SCIENCE.
just bought 2000 rhinestones and a heart shaped stencil at Micheals...I think the cashier knows i'm Vajazzling
Dude just slipped a $20 into the jukebox at that restaurant we were escorted out of last Mardi GRAS. Hope they enjoy Justin Bieber's Baby cause they're gonna hear it 40 fucking times.
did i call you last night crying about tacos and the royal wedding again?
He is currently pregaming mini golf. MINI GOLF.
I can wear a rubber suit at three am and spank someone's ass until its sore and fuck them three ways from Sunday. And get up the next day and do their laundry. As long as once in awhile they rub my back without expecting anything
I'm not sure... How do you tell someone who was so smashed they couldn't remember shoving their dick into the fireplace that their mother actually witnessed the whole thing?
WHY DID YOU INVITE ALEX?!?
Because she offered to bring a keg.
And also because you fucked her in an alley last week and I'm trying to be a good friend.
My mom always wanted to raise a classy lady, it just turned out to not be her daughter.
Just woke up and read the text that drunk me sent you, i take it all back, and you can't have my power puff girl pillow either.
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