Why did you send me a picture of a dick?
It was an accident sry. Not mine tho.
I just know... :) goodntight
Whoops, meant "goodnight", but the other is true too.
I'd rather say I'm a whore then admit it's his child. Its that bad.
Currently separating the burrito I just stuffed in my purse from the weed in my half smoken bowl that was already in it. My what the fuck moment beats yours.
I'm buying you potatoes, the least you could do is not ask any fucking questions and just say thank you.
you called me at 4 in the morning and invited me over for pasta and a late night viewing of titanic.
How are you going to come here and fuck on our couch ? That's everyones couch
Feels like someone put a cigar out where my butthole used to live
I woke up to my one night stand and he said, "now that's the one to beat"
Is it bad i hate my job so much I'm actively trying to get fired tonight by drinking all the booze we have so I don't have to show up for my double tomorrow. Four mango vodkas later I have decided I'm a better server drunk.
Like I'm literally drinking whiskey and making a stocking for my cat right now. What. Goes. On.
He's like a hurricane
a drunk, sexist, hurricane
Remind me to tell you the story of the fuzzy condom
do you remember yelling out "insecurity makes my pussy dry!" unnecessarily loud at the bar?
I think someone shaved off all their pubes in the handicap stall or a werewolf stopped by the office to take a crAzy dump!
Randomize
