Dude, she knew her leg was on fire and she kept dancing. Bad-fucking-ass.
I told her I'd give her some of the cream I was using so she didn't get my warts. That's when I realized I was too drunk.
I told the girl in his bed not to bleed on his sheets like the last one.
She said I came to for a minute, shouted IHOP!! and then shook my head and said no before passing out again
I was just handed jelly beans by a guy in a penguin costume. Standby for confirmation on if they are actually drugs.
MEET ME OUTSIDE YOUR HOUSE IN THREE MINUTES. BE DRUNK. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
you riverdanced for the cops while the rest ran away.
I could not actually bring myself to utter the phrase "donkey cock" in front of my father. Not possible.
I woke up naked on his boat with a cowboy hat on with a boat cover over me... Thank you tequila!
If he gets me coffee, cold or no I'll make him see Jesus with my mouth.
8 minutes into the New Year and and I've already sent a nude...new year, new me?
And change of plans today, I'm gonna lay in bed and eat taco bell and try not to die. Brazilians another day.
I used my mad pharmacist skills to turn ordinary birth control into morning after. I think my professors would be proud.
her nickname was handjob. I knew what i was getting into.
You've had it in your mouth, how have you not seen it?
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