You peed for a solid 5 minutes last night and turned around halfway through to give everyone watching a thumbs up
I'm quitting my job and I'm just going to become a professional drunk girls mistake.
The handjob she gave me was better than the best blowjob I've ever gotten.. Just imagine the possibilities.
Tell your boyfriend I'm sorry for ruining his vein. I'm never drawing blood drunk again.
do you remember the combo for the lock to my pants?
They just kept handing me shots and saying welcome to college
Learned my lesson. Pink pantydroppers out of a beer bong=deceiving
It's called the eyeliner-blowjob correlation, read a science book bro
I'm surprised I haven't crapped out a leprechaun, I'm so hungover
You used up your allotted blow job minutes for the month of April last night anyways
I need Jameson.
Yea? How do you think I feel? Your job during the delivery is to keep that flask ready. The moment our kid pops out, I'm taking a shot.
What's protocol when the 18 year old son of an anti-gay preacher sends you a message on Grindr during church?
Its not often you get to say, "The security guard at my job is my new drug dealer," but as of last night, I get to say it.
I can't wash the smell of tacos off my hands. I feel like the Lady Macbeth of Chipotle.
Seriously, why do I have a mortar round?
Randomize
