Goodnight sugar queer
Sugar queer??
Why does my predictive text prioritize 'queer' over 'puffs'?
The lady at the touchless car wash just gave me the look of death. How do I say, "sorry it's not my puke" in Spanish?
You know, it's scary to think that someday I might buy a pregnancy test with pride, not at 2am...
I just got my inseam measured in raffle tickets by a drag queen. Being fondled for charity is awesome.
people at meijer look at you funny when you have 37 bottles of champagne in your cart.
Shes been standing with her arms crossed in front of the mirror for 45 minutes...she told me she's "getting sober"
Everyone makes mistakes, yours just means you will forever be known as the chick that tried to steal a cheese plate from the funeral.
No, I am not setting up my roomba to clean up puke.
you dont understand this isnt a sit at a sports bar eating wings and having a beer night. this is a show up to the bar with a fith of Jack and just let what happens happen kinda night. im expecting to smack a bouncer
Ok let me change into clothes i can run in
I have a fantastic sense of humor but being called a merman isn't funny
On the plus side I'm getting really good at painting the inside of a toilet with my bowels.
All three of my roommates have their significant others over. We're all hanging out in the living room. It's like I'm the trifecta of third-wheeling
Sext: Bring me pancakes from the midnight breakfast gathering please
I just watched will sing pure imagination from willy wonka and then blow a banana
We smell like vodka and hangover
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