He's so far in the closet he's in Narnia
Turns out "bordello" doesn't mean what I thought it did.
my dad just told me that a lesbian kissed my mom at a bar last year
I give out O-faces like they're halloween candy
so you masturbated because Oprah told you?
I don't think I can fit "I'm sorry for ruining Christmas" on one cake. Better make two.
i just keep picturing us drunk surrounded by kittens.
It was relaxing until your penis crawled in my ear.
The two girls sitting next to me are asking siri "Like, uh, how do you know my name?". Do I fuck with them or fuck them?
I mean, two foreign guys have drunkenly confessed their love for her, so she's clearly doing something right.
I sleep texted my mom and asked her for a condom last night
Dude, get out of Andrea's vagina and call me back
some how during sex we caught an ENTIRE pillow on fire. A WHOLE PILLOW.
ok so i got home drunk and was cleaning my kitchen and i was shaking out the throw rug and dropped it out the window, i'm sorry
I was really proud of me too last night! Found a discarded hamburger that I have no memory of at the foot of the bed. Instead of a Dude. I'm really growing as a person
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