Fiestas. Its like a classier verson of mardi gras.
about to try to wax my asshole... wish me luck
I wish we could tell the moving van to wait at the strip club for a while.
He had a ladies night special at his place. Unlimited jello shots till 10, 50 cents after.
Woke up next to a half eaten California burrito. It was tucked in.
I'll hold a taco with my boobs for you
How did she break his doorknob?
That was our fault. We put a chair under the doorknob so that she wouldn't wander out of his room in the middle of the night and jump into bed with her ex. But she's stronger than we thought.
I told him that his face would look perfect between my legs. One of my most successful strategies yet.
Given he decided my interview was a date, showed up drunk and insisted on carrying me everywhere, we weren't off to a good start.
I know we said we never would. But try fucking a fat guy. He put in so much more effort and then made me waffles.
In my drunk state I was like I ONLY HAD SEX WITH SOMEONE ELSE BECAUSE HE WAS THE HOTTEST GUY IVE EVER EVEN SEEN
i came outside and he was eating her out on my lawn. i refuse to pick up the dog shit in my yard so i hope he chose the spot wisely
We kind of crashed their funeral party. Oops.
I don't care if he's the coolest coworker, if he's living in his mom's basement at 30 you should not buy drugs from him
So I come home this morning to get ready for a job interview and there is garlic seasoning all over the hardwood and a knife in the wall. What. the. fuck.
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