God I can't wait to have my phone textbombed every night
I bought a goldfish, named it after my ex-girlfriend, and let it die. It's really the little things in life.
if you're passed out when i get there i get to wear your banana costume and do awful things to you
Our neighbors just passed us a blunt from their deck, and are hooking us up.
I just baked them cookies. We're friends now.
U should feel bad.. u r like a sex politician. All talk and no follow thru
Maybe you can hide out somewhere she would never go. Like a counseling center or AA
Quick question: is it impolite to pause sex to put on my knee brace?
We are trying to penis chicken awkward them out. But I think it's a gay wedding. Backfiring. Heavily.
he had hair everywhere except his balls
I left the office with a vacuum, 2 condoms and 300 dollars cash money. Tell me I don't have the most versatile job on the planet.
I think my biggest regret in life is not banging you in the science museum
Haha I'M GOING TO MISS HIS PENIS SO MUCH. But not his bipolarness.
3.5 bazillion penises. So not that hard to find a new good one
He named his newborn baby after a character in the Hobbit and that is literally keeping me up at night.
He referred to our sex as "an Olympic event." My tits are bruised.
the bucket list is making me question my morals...and sexuality
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