Packed at 6 am completely wasted. Damage assessment: 12 pairs of socks (no underwear), a flashlight, 3 shorts, shot glass, 8 sweaters, puff paint, one sneaker.
So I came home baked last night and made about 60% of my jeans into jorts...
yeah, it's no longer just 'day drinking' when it's 5pm and you're knocking over fruit displays at fresh market
we can't get the sharpie off the toilet seat from where you pressed your forearm with THUG LIFE written on it while you puked until 3 last night
I went around and congratulated every guy that had a beard for having one
Goddamn tequila
He woke me up for a 10am bootycall. he was already drunk when he got here and when we were fucking, bagpipes started playing amazing grace outside of my window!! I love Boston on st. Patties day!!
He made me keep his swollen nut cold with frozen bags of peas while rubbing his tummy because he said I had no choice.
I knew when her mom came in spraying me with Febreeze telling me I smelled like shame it was going to be a rough day.
Just had a VERY VIVID visualization of wrapping a pizza around my cock and fucking its brains out. Soooooo less weed more dates?
Your mother may get texts again about women putting dog food up their vaginas and asking for it to be licked.
I'm so cold without your freakishly high body temperature
that's the equivalent to a normal girlfriends. 'I miss you' btw
That's not "anything", that's you deep throating a mozzarella stick.
The sad moment you remember you have no power for a week and can't flush.....
Wrong number bro but that sounds like a damn shame.
Where you been?
Please tell me this is a booty call
Give me like 5, I have to feed a moose and find my pants.
Randomize
