pretty sure if my vagina had a mouth, it would have been smiling afterwards.
A homeless man walked up to me at the bar, pointed, and told me to get my shit together. Jesus?
I just helped a group of highschool stoners find a safe place to smoke I feel like a responsible rolemodel
If you could come over after class and poke me with a stick to see if im still alive id really appreciate it
No she left bc the of pic I have of my mom in my bathroom. She thought it was my gf
Why the hell do you have a picture of YOUR MOM in your bathroom?!?!
I don't even fuck like that, he just happened to be in the right place at the right drunk.
I just want to be covered in whipped cream and spanked, is that too much to ask?
I know, it's just the worst. Also, security almost took the burrito I brought for lunch. I thought I was going to have to pull a Liz Lemon and eat the whole thing before I could go through.
just imagine me sitting naked on a toilet with a fully-clothed dude i havent seen in 2 years, trying to make normal conversation except that im covered in blood and he's helping wipe me down while i try not to pass out because blood makes me NERVOUS. And he's apologizing and i'm apologizing.
One minute we were playing beer pong, and the next minute I was sprinting to my apartment with a watermelon. wtf happened in between?
Just a suggestion, don't apricot scrub your vagina.
Hey can you send me a pic of your breast with a peace sign in the photo? I'm trying to win a scavenger hunt contest. Thanks so much
I'm high on the exercise bike at the gym. I feel like Lance Armstrong
He’s actually a personal trainer. He said he hasn’t taught yoga in a while but the stripper prefers to introduce him as a yoga teacher
The whole country is going to hell in a handbasket but I got a grade A fucking and don't particularly care.
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