My "High Times" magazine came in today, as well as my girlfriend's new sex toys. We're calling in sick today.
My family is watching Intervention and taking notes. I need to leave NOW!
Sorry about all the noise last night. We were trying to break bottles by kicking soccer balls at them. If it's any consolation, there's shattered glass and blood all over my kitchen.
I don't know how but I have our hotel room door handle in my purse... this can not be good
and he said i stripped him down, hand cuffed him to his bed post, and tickled his arm pits, and then continued to watch The Hangover.
Dude, you face planted, there was no "bar fight".
its 4am and she invited me over to split a 'romantic bowl of frosted flakes'...really dude?...what do you think she's trying to say?...she better not be kidding about the frosted flakes though.
Apparently I have a urinal in my bedroom
You blacked out and walked in on my neighbor breast feeding at 3am yelling "where is my best friend". I think we should go apologize.
dude I'm not 100% but I think your mom is sexting me.
He sent me a picture of his ass and said the backdoor is open. Almost grabbed my keys and a condom before I saw it was a group text. Not nearly drunk enough for his desperation.
Why do I have a bunch of cash....and your bra.
There are some things you can ever unsee. And walking in on your dad jerking off is one of those things.
I'm afraid I might run into that fat chick that sucked on me in the hospital parking lot while her friend cried in the car next to us, but I may be willing to take that chance.
It's not above me to sleep with him solely for his authentic budweiser shirt
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