The sign in front of ihop says "designated drivers get half off their order"
Word to the wise: do not smoke before going grocery shopping with only 12 bucks. So stressful.
Got drunk. Then they sung "we didnt start the fire" to my other cousin who accidentally burnt down the house when she was younger.
i told you the emergency thong was a good idea.
3 things I learned last night: 1.) I'm not as light as I used to be. 2.) Sex on the roof of a convertible is a really bad idea. 3.) The hospital now has super glue pens for sealing minor cuts instead of stitches!
Just made macaroni burritos. Fukkin awesome. We'll have to try this when I'm sober.,!
Haha, apparently they frown upon male strippers there. Bouncers couldn't catch me tho.
I just found a video of you asking to be a whale with me.
Guess who just got caught by mall security having sex in a car in the parking lot... at noon. This chick.
This is not my bathroom and these are not my pants
I went down on her on the dining room table. That should count for something.
I couldn't find the oven mitts so I used a thick stack of tortillas
So I was just like hi, I'm your roommate's gf. Please don't hate me. That would be rly inconvenient for you.
I'll tell you that it involved a pair of pliers and a trip to the ER.
I demand a full explanation right now.
All you need for a happy life is Jameson and slippers
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