If immigrants and dwarves find love, why can't I?
Come home. Im drunk and cutting my own hair. This is bad, i need you.
I'm at a free clinic. Feel like I should cough or sneeze so it's not blatantly obvious I'm getting checked for STI's.
Wow, I just sneezed gum out of my nose. Wonder how long that's been up there.
I really need to stop drunk texting. My one night stand just agreed to go roller skating.
TAing a class of 300 froshies and being so hungover I forgot a bra is my way of making dreams come true.
I'd like to introduce you to my friend, Moderation. Enjoy each other's company this weekend.
Your friend and I already don't get along
not sure if I should be concerned that my brother just stormed into my room and looked at me with a serious face and said, "I'm a peacock, you have to let me fly." oh, vicodin...
Its not the fact that i woke up wearing a tutu that bugs me its the fact that i have 75 photos of me wearing a tutu on facebook
when I went into his room, he was sleeping on his stomach, almost as if to silently say, "you're not touching my dick tonight".
its like a catch 22, sucks that you've stopped, but its like a vagina high five
Doesn't matter how many times we tell him the kid's a freshman, he keeps repeating "cupcake boy shall be mine" and honestly you need to intervene
I'm getting "congrats on your engagement" shots. I need to get engaged more often!
I wasn't that gone.
Dude, you cried and said how sorry you were when we asked why you had the dip.
stupid neighbors doing stupid yard work with their stupid kids when i want to do drugs in the backyard
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