I really hope you get sexually violated by a pterodactyl tonight.
I had a dream that chipotle was out of burritos... Was more like a nightmare.. Gotta go make sure it wasn't real now
You were plastered and wouldn't stop telling this hot girl about your plan to graffiti a church in easter colored spray-paint saying that Jesus was a Zombie... she kept saying her father was a pastor...
This time, try to not get fingered in the middle of the living room.
I DIDNT GET FINGERED
I was rubbed
It would only make sense that I'd cheat on him with his best friend on the ides of march...
I am 48% hangover, 48% bruises and 2% fingers I'm texting with.
Woke up the next morning in an 8 year old's bedroom. Saw my bra swinging from the spiderman ceiling fan and decided it would be best to dip out w/o it.
Did I change midway through last night?
Seven times. The most notable outfits were UFC Fighter and Top Hat Viking
there's nothing weirder than waking up to your mom eating breakfast on the couch that you fucked her coworker on last night.
dude I just found tht weird ass guy u invited last night passed out in my closet.... apparently he "couldn't find the exit"
But I do cardio so I don't get winded during sex really it's not like I'm trying to lose weight
Yeah she let me pull the goalie and wear my USA flag like a cape since it was the first day of the world cup
If you think eating a bowl of leftover stuffing and drinking champagne from the bottle in dirty sweats at 9am is sexy... Then yeah, I'm your girl.
Dude. She was wearing nothing but Wonder Woman panties and a flag for a cape and sneaking around leaving PBR's by passed out people for the morning. She called herself the 'Merica Fairy.
Why haven't you proposed already?
I came so hard my entire leg seized. Her blowjob gave me a Charlie horse.
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